Tonight while Brian has been finishing up his Greek translation of the ENTIRE book of 1 John (pretty cool he can do that now!), I've been looking at pics of old friends on FB. I mean friends from way back. Back when I was in Ruston schools. It's funny what I remember from those days. My memories don't always match reality, I think. Looking back I was so insecure and trying so hard to be a part of a group where I was on the fringe on a good day. But still I have memories of great times with individuals within that group. Why was I so obsessed? Why did I try so hard? I was so concerned with "them" that I hardly remember who I really hung out with. Now that's not really true. What is true is that I can look at group pics and feel like I should be in them, but it's blaringly obvious (to me) that I'm not. In any of them. Real truth is that I shouldn't be in them. I wasn't a part of "them". But oh how I wanted to be.
Silly, isn't it. Now my brother on the other hand has always been secure within himself. He has never (as far as I am aware of) looked outside of himself and his Savior for significance or approval. And he's been that way forever. What a gift.
Catherine, our 6yo, has been a good lesson to me in all this kind of "stuff." She is stinkin' hilarious and came out that way. Catherine will never have to try to be cool--whatever that means at the time--because she is so secure in herself that she can be silly and fun in any situation.
I guess I'm still trying to embrace who I am. There are days I wish I weren't such a thinker or doer. That I could laugh at something more than worry about it. That I could have a conversation that didn't dive into the depths of who you are. That ALL of my significance, security and satisfaction would come from Jesus Christ. Resting in that truth will free me from so much worry about people and circumstances. Whomever/whatever they are. Even when I feel like I did in Jr. High.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Hi
I wish I had something real to say. But I just want to say hi.
Today was my dear friend Rebecca's birthday. Did I call her? No, I spent my day cleaning out the girls' room, even under the bed. And repairing their plastic window that's been busted out some so it will stay cooler up there. But I love her more than I show her.
Which seems to be the case with most people. I miss you all, even though I don't let you know directly. I do pray for you as I know how. Bet your bottom dollar on that one.
I've also come to a tricky place in blogging. Maybe I'm just growing up, learning to keep private things private. But lately there are thought processes and learning experiences I don't feel free to share, although I would have to assume they are common struggles and if someone would just talk about them, we'd all be able to better encourage one another. Still, I'm going to keep my mouth shut for now.
We are considering moving the kids' rooms around. Right now all 4 of them are upstairs. Sarah Frances and Catherine share the room on the front of the house. Lillian (still in her crib although she climbs in and out at will) and Patrick are in the "playroom," tucked on either side of the half-wall that comes up in the middle of the room to protect them from falling down the stairwell. The play area is at the top of the stairs along with a full bath.
So we're thinking of giving up the classroom and moving Patrick downstairs. I don't think he'll like it at first--he's ALWAYS wanting to be with "the geels"--but I'd rather be early than too late on that move. And I expect he'll learn quickly to like having boy-only space. Then we'll move Lillian in with Catherine and put Sarah Frances where Patrick was, giving her a space tucked off to the side all her own to keep as neat and tidy as she likes. That will also free up Lillian's side of the room (a bit wider that P's) to be lined with all-girl stuff like a play kitchen, doll cradle, strollers, etc.
Not sure what that means exactly for school work. Plenty of people we know do it at the dining room table and move it all to eat everyday. We'll see. Just ready to re-organize and clean out again. And get Sarah Frances her own spot without allowing her to be entirely free from interacting with the others. And get Patrick downstairs. Tonight he wanted to read with us--me on the floor in the big girls' room with them in their beds--and I told him his daddy would come read BOY books to him vs. listening to a GIRL book about little girls selling soap. It took some convincing, I'll have to say.
Haven't I said before that the irony of teaching them to want to be together is that they want to be together all the time?? Poor Patrick. He's always the only boy. I'm glad we're finished, medically speaking, with kids b/c these days I'd really, really like him to have a brother.
There is a boy up the street, Sol, who Patrick loves. They are about 2 weeks apart in age and have only played together in our front yard 10 times, MAYBE, when he and his dad, David, walk their dog down the hill and toward our house. Yes, that's David and his son "Sol"oman. And they're practicing Jews. Funny! Anyway...Patrick loves Sol. Anytime we see them coming, Sol is ALWAYS dressed up head to toe as a super hero of sorts. Yesterday he was Buzz Lightyear. He's been Ironman before and Spiderman several times. P. runs to get on his Spidey costume and meets his friend out front to talk. And boy do they talk. About what we're having for dinner. What they played at school. And now about a new baby. WHAT?? Didn't even know they were pregnant (now I know why I haven't met Jen this summer if she's huge pregnant and doesn't want to take the dog and a 4yom for a walk and why we haven't seen them lately.) Keep reading...there's a sweet point coming... So yesterday we find out the baby is about 2 weeks old, and we bake them a banana nut bread. Patrick signed the note, addressed to Sol and family, and while we were waiting for the door to be answered, Jen's father drove up with a key. He said right away, "So this is the Patrick who lives down the street. Sol says that's Patrick's house every time we drive by."
My sweet boy is loved back! I about cried. I am so thankful for Sol. I hope one day I can meet Jen. We've wanted to have them over for dinner but just in the last 3 weeks found out where they lived. They always just appeared in front of the house on random days. No info was ever exchanged so we didn't know how to get in touch with them. It was Sol and his family that P wanted to have over for his bday dinner. But they are very private people. I still don't know if the baby's a boy or girl. Praying for openness and opportunities to love them well.
Which brings me to a closing point. Ever heard of or read Jerram Barr's book Learning Evangelism from Jesus? It's an amazing read. Amazing because so often our evangelism doesn't look like Jesus's did. Anyway...
Enough randomness. Really just wanted to say hi. Hope you're having a good summer too. :)
Today was my dear friend Rebecca's birthday. Did I call her? No, I spent my day cleaning out the girls' room, even under the bed. And repairing their plastic window that's been busted out some so it will stay cooler up there. But I love her more than I show her.
Which seems to be the case with most people. I miss you all, even though I don't let you know directly. I do pray for you as I know how. Bet your bottom dollar on that one.
I've also come to a tricky place in blogging. Maybe I'm just growing up, learning to keep private things private. But lately there are thought processes and learning experiences I don't feel free to share, although I would have to assume they are common struggles and if someone would just talk about them, we'd all be able to better encourage one another. Still, I'm going to keep my mouth shut for now.
We are considering moving the kids' rooms around. Right now all 4 of them are upstairs. Sarah Frances and Catherine share the room on the front of the house. Lillian (still in her crib although she climbs in and out at will) and Patrick are in the "playroom," tucked on either side of the half-wall that comes up in the middle of the room to protect them from falling down the stairwell. The play area is at the top of the stairs along with a full bath.
So we're thinking of giving up the classroom and moving Patrick downstairs. I don't think he'll like it at first--he's ALWAYS wanting to be with "the geels"--but I'd rather be early than too late on that move. And I expect he'll learn quickly to like having boy-only space. Then we'll move Lillian in with Catherine and put Sarah Frances where Patrick was, giving her a space tucked off to the side all her own to keep as neat and tidy as she likes. That will also free up Lillian's side of the room (a bit wider that P's) to be lined with all-girl stuff like a play kitchen, doll cradle, strollers, etc.
Not sure what that means exactly for school work. Plenty of people we know do it at the dining room table and move it all to eat everyday. We'll see. Just ready to re-organize and clean out again. And get Sarah Frances her own spot without allowing her to be entirely free from interacting with the others. And get Patrick downstairs. Tonight he wanted to read with us--me on the floor in the big girls' room with them in their beds--and I told him his daddy would come read BOY books to him vs. listening to a GIRL book about little girls selling soap. It took some convincing, I'll have to say.
Haven't I said before that the irony of teaching them to want to be together is that they want to be together all the time?? Poor Patrick. He's always the only boy. I'm glad we're finished, medically speaking, with kids b/c these days I'd really, really like him to have a brother.
There is a boy up the street, Sol, who Patrick loves. They are about 2 weeks apart in age and have only played together in our front yard 10 times, MAYBE, when he and his dad, David, walk their dog down the hill and toward our house. Yes, that's David and his son "Sol"oman. And they're practicing Jews. Funny! Anyway...Patrick loves Sol. Anytime we see them coming, Sol is ALWAYS dressed up head to toe as a super hero of sorts. Yesterday he was Buzz Lightyear. He's been Ironman before and Spiderman several times. P. runs to get on his Spidey costume and meets his friend out front to talk. And boy do they talk. About what we're having for dinner. What they played at school. And now about a new baby. WHAT?? Didn't even know they were pregnant (now I know why I haven't met Jen this summer if she's huge pregnant and doesn't want to take the dog and a 4yom for a walk and why we haven't seen them lately.) Keep reading...there's a sweet point coming... So yesterday we find out the baby is about 2 weeks old, and we bake them a banana nut bread. Patrick signed the note, addressed to Sol and family, and while we were waiting for the door to be answered, Jen's father drove up with a key. He said right away, "So this is the Patrick who lives down the street. Sol says that's Patrick's house every time we drive by."
My sweet boy is loved back! I about cried. I am so thankful for Sol. I hope one day I can meet Jen. We've wanted to have them over for dinner but just in the last 3 weeks found out where they lived. They always just appeared in front of the house on random days. No info was ever exchanged so we didn't know how to get in touch with them. It was Sol and his family that P wanted to have over for his bday dinner. But they are very private people. I still don't know if the baby's a boy or girl. Praying for openness and opportunities to love them well.
Which brings me to a closing point. Ever heard of or read Jerram Barr's book Learning Evangelism from Jesus? It's an amazing read. Amazing because so often our evangelism doesn't look like Jesus's did. Anyway...
Enough randomness. Really just wanted to say hi. Hope you're having a good summer too. :)
Friday, June 25, 2010
The Trouble with Un-Busyness
This morning was full of quick realizations, spanning about 20min before I got busy again:
I define myself so much by what I do all day, as in take care of my kids.
When the older 3 were at VBS, I didn't know what to do with just Lillian.
I cried--boohoo'd--at the idea that one day after they're gone I'll have "free time" again.
Who will I be? What value will I have?
I am so used to running 100mph with my hair on fire that I'm going to have a hard time handling a slower pace.
Do I really think I'll slow down or just fill it with busyness?
Jesus spent a HUGE CHUNK of his time alone with God.
I should slow down now.
How can I slow down? There's too much to do?
I do too much.
...mental list of all my hats...
...mental list of other's hats...
I have a much bigger hat rack.
Resentment and bitterness crack into my consciousness. WHAT???
But I don't struggle with that! ...well... I'm not supposed to struggle with that!
I'm not going to struggle well with that.
New fear. Which ironically is somewhat calming. (remember I worry when I don't have anything to worry about?)
Pull into the Magic House and have a blast giving Lillian all the 1:1 attention she can handle.
A tangent:
What do I do when you have the answers for a person's problems but I have to suffer and watch them figure it out for themselves?
I need an MAC.
Maybe I can be a real-life counselor once all the kids leave.
Why don't I listen to the answers I already know for myself?
Another tangent:
My friend's roommate's 25yo sister went for a bike ride last Saturday morning and had a heat stroke. She died Monday morning.
She was a newly-wed, married last Nov.
Her parents are not believers, although by God's grace she was.
I can't imagine losing my 25yo sister w/in 3 days.
I can't imagine losing a child. And I'm a believer.
I can't even imagine them leaving the house for good.
Back to top. Repeat.
I think I need to get back into counseling. My head is going to explode.
I define myself so much by what I do all day, as in take care of my kids.
When the older 3 were at VBS, I didn't know what to do with just Lillian.
I cried--boohoo'd--at the idea that one day after they're gone I'll have "free time" again.
Who will I be? What value will I have?
I am so used to running 100mph with my hair on fire that I'm going to have a hard time handling a slower pace.
Do I really think I'll slow down or just fill it with busyness?
Jesus spent a HUGE CHUNK of his time alone with God.
I should slow down now.
How can I slow down? There's too much to do?
I do too much.
...mental list of all my hats...
...mental list of other's hats...
I have a much bigger hat rack.
Resentment and bitterness crack into my consciousness. WHAT???
But I don't struggle with that! ...well... I'm not supposed to struggle with that!
I'm not going to struggle well with that.
New fear. Which ironically is somewhat calming. (remember I worry when I don't have anything to worry about?)
Pull into the Magic House and have a blast giving Lillian all the 1:1 attention she can handle.
A tangent:
What do I do when you have the answers for a person's problems but I have to suffer and watch them figure it out for themselves?
I need an MAC.
Maybe I can be a real-life counselor once all the kids leave.
Why don't I listen to the answers I already know for myself?
Another tangent:
My friend's roommate's 25yo sister went for a bike ride last Saturday morning and had a heat stroke. She died Monday morning.
She was a newly-wed, married last Nov.
Her parents are not believers, although by God's grace she was.
I can't imagine losing my 25yo sister w/in 3 days.
I can't imagine losing a child. And I'm a believer.
I can't even imagine them leaving the house for good.
Back to top. Repeat.
I think I need to get back into counseling. My head is going to explode.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Homeschool Curriculum
There are way too many options and it's completely overwhelming.
That's all I have to say about that.
That's all I have to say about that.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
wiped
OK, this mama has hit a wall. I expected it to come sooner than it has, but as of today I am simply wiped out. Sleepy and bone tired. The kids asked to go to the pool this afternoon, but I feel sure one of them would drown because I can't keep my eyes open. So we put on a movie after VBS today, and in about 13 minutes, at 2pm, I'm putting the little ones down for naps. And I'm going to crawl into bed.
This summer has gotten off to a great start. I am thankful for all the fun things we've been invited and able to do! Tennis and soccer camps, swimteam, swimming for fun at our community pool, playing with friends at their community pool or at the zoo, Shakespeare in the park (Hamlet this year), helping new sem students move in, VBS, swapping babysitting/date nights with friends, and the list goes on. Then there's the bootcamp, which is M, W, F, 5:30-6:30am, and all the advertising and prep time that goes into that. So I'm going to take a nap.
I will say though that this busyness feels more like regular busyness (compared to overwhelming, disfunctional busyness). Like Birmingham busyness used to feel, except that the Lord and I talk about things more now. My heart aches for those who I know don't have a relationship with him. I thirst for His Word differently. I ask for his help in the big and little things. The Spirit brings to mind my friends and their struggles, and I pray differently than ever for you. And for me.
I'm not as afraid to pray for Him to change me as I used to be. I mean, hey, we've already come this far. What am I scared of--that He'll send us to Africa? Well, that certainly would have a different set struggles, but He's there too. Just like I'm learning how He meets me in my struggles here in St. Louis. Just like he meets you in yours, wherever you are.
This summer has gotten off to a great start. I am thankful for all the fun things we've been invited and able to do! Tennis and soccer camps, swimteam, swimming for fun at our community pool, playing with friends at their community pool or at the zoo, Shakespeare in the park (Hamlet this year), helping new sem students move in, VBS, swapping babysitting/date nights with friends, and the list goes on. Then there's the bootcamp, which is M, W, F, 5:30-6:30am, and all the advertising and prep time that goes into that. So I'm going to take a nap.
I will say though that this busyness feels more like regular busyness (compared to overwhelming, disfunctional busyness). Like Birmingham busyness used to feel, except that the Lord and I talk about things more now. My heart aches for those who I know don't have a relationship with him. I thirst for His Word differently. I ask for his help in the big and little things. The Spirit brings to mind my friends and their struggles, and I pray differently than ever for you. And for me.
I'm not as afraid to pray for Him to change me as I used to be. I mean, hey, we've already come this far. What am I scared of--that He'll send us to Africa? Well, that certainly would have a different set struggles, but He's there too. Just like I'm learning how He meets me in my struggles here in St. Louis. Just like he meets you in yours, wherever you are.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Normal
I wish I had more insightful things to share. We have hit the ground running this summer, so I haven't had much time for processing. Not to mention that my counselor graduated, and I'm honestly not sure I want to start over with another one. Or pay out of pocket to keep talking to her. I do miss our Monday morning meetings though.
Last week Sarah Frances did a tennis camp, and Catherine was in a soccer one. It was their first times in their respective sports, and both girls loved it. Brian was also still on break. Lemme tell you, this homeschool mom could get used to sending kids off for half a day. Brian would drive them to camp, study for a while, then come home and hang with us. I took the little ones on a walk one morning. One afternoon before soccer was over, B stayed with the little ones and SF and I went to the pool, just us. P and I made an ocean with blue water and vegetable oil, and one day he went to the circus for his birthday with just his daddy. Yes, that left me with just ONE child at home! I was a day ahead in my meal prep. The house could stay straight(er) and I could keep up w/ laundry better since there were less people here. We hosted people for dinner twice that week. It was such a WONDERFUL break from "real life."
And now that it's back to normal--everyone home most of the time but Brian back in Greek--I've rested well enough to not be overwhelmed too much. And normal won't last long. Really it was just this week. There is something going on/to do within every single week of the rest of the summer! I'm doing my best to enjoy being in the moment and not worry about what's next.
But right at this very moment, a very nakie little 2yo is trying to crawl on my lap at 9:51pm, having taken off her jammies and diaper and now needs help. She's such a mess!
More later...
Last week Sarah Frances did a tennis camp, and Catherine was in a soccer one. It was their first times in their respective sports, and both girls loved it. Brian was also still on break. Lemme tell you, this homeschool mom could get used to sending kids off for half a day. Brian would drive them to camp, study for a while, then come home and hang with us. I took the little ones on a walk one morning. One afternoon before soccer was over, B stayed with the little ones and SF and I went to the pool, just us. P and I made an ocean with blue water and vegetable oil, and one day he went to the circus for his birthday with just his daddy. Yes, that left me with just ONE child at home! I was a day ahead in my meal prep. The house could stay straight(er) and I could keep up w/ laundry better since there were less people here. We hosted people for dinner twice that week. It was such a WONDERFUL break from "real life."
And now that it's back to normal--everyone home most of the time but Brian back in Greek--I've rested well enough to not be overwhelmed too much. And normal won't last long. Really it was just this week. There is something going on/to do within every single week of the rest of the summer! I'm doing my best to enjoy being in the moment and not worry about what's next.
But right at this very moment, a very nakie little 2yo is trying to crawl on my lap at 9:51pm, having taken off her jammies and diaper and now needs help. She's such a mess!
More later...
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Little Women and a Little Man
This evening was like something out of a story book. Nothing special happened except the entire night.
I cooked dinner. A healthy dinner. Everyone liked it.
As a family, we were all doing our own thing at different times today and we all came back together and sat at the table (by Patrick and Sarah Frances's separate requests; vs. in front of the tv) to eat and share stories from our day. At some point everyone had a turn to talk and something unique to share. And everyone listened (for the most part) to everyone else.
After dinner, the kids finished up their baths. Brian sat down in the recliner with To Kill A Mockingbird. I went through some more of Sarah Frances's piano book with her, and Catherine showed us the newest skills she learned today at soccer camp. While Sarah Frances practiced her music a while, Catherine snuggled up on the couch with Patrick, Lillian, and a stack of board books. I moved from the piano to the book-and-child covered couch a little later.
At one point Brian looked up from his book and said to me, "I feel like I'm living in Little Women (has he ever really read that??) where they're playing music and reading together throughout the evening." It really was that sweet. No one was arguing or complaining. Even getting them into bed has been super easy--I reminded them of the 3 B's, bathroom, books, and bed, and it was really that simple to get them down.
Thank you, Lord, for a glimpse of real peace and harmony. Please bless us with nights like this more often. Make us fight for a simpler, slower life where we can enjoy each other and the gifts you've given us.
I cooked dinner. A healthy dinner. Everyone liked it.
As a family, we were all doing our own thing at different times today and we all came back together and sat at the table (by Patrick and Sarah Frances's separate requests; vs. in front of the tv) to eat and share stories from our day. At some point everyone had a turn to talk and something unique to share. And everyone listened (for the most part) to everyone else.
After dinner, the kids finished up their baths. Brian sat down in the recliner with To Kill A Mockingbird. I went through some more of Sarah Frances's piano book with her, and Catherine showed us the newest skills she learned today at soccer camp. While Sarah Frances practiced her music a while, Catherine snuggled up on the couch with Patrick, Lillian, and a stack of board books. I moved from the piano to the book-and-child covered couch a little later.
At one point Brian looked up from his book and said to me, "I feel like I'm living in Little Women (has he ever really read that??) where they're playing music and reading together throughout the evening." It really was that sweet. No one was arguing or complaining. Even getting them into bed has been super easy--I reminded them of the 3 B's, bathroom, books, and bed, and it was really that simple to get them down.
Thank you, Lord, for a glimpse of real peace and harmony. Please bless us with nights like this more often. Make us fight for a simpler, slower life where we can enjoy each other and the gifts you've given us.
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