A while back--if I were a good blogger, I'd have the link here, but alas there is no time--probably over a year ago, I asked the question of myself, "WHY do I stay home with my kids?" There had to be a good reason. Why not send them off to school or daycare and go get an income? Isn't this why I got a degree? Isn't this the exact situation that was the reason I keep my licensure up? I didn't have an answer.
Well, as we approach the beginning of the school year where I will be working (though only p/t) at the school, as well as continuing writing workouts and instructing bootcamp, I feel my stress level rising. There is a gnawing feeling that I'm not going to be able to get all this done, because there will also be soccer practice, church activities, and homework. NOT to mention all the laundry, straightening and cleaning, and cooking for the family. NOT to mention, being able and willing to STOP WHAT I'M DOING and GO TO MY KIDS to help them learn how to love well. Hear my words coming faster and the pitch of my voice rising?
Yesterday was a "mom is pitching a fit and getting angry" day again. It was terrible. The kids picked up on the fun and started the yelling, whining, and griping at each other. But did I stop what I was doing, go to them calmly and kindly and walk them through the correct words and actions? Of course not! There's no time to be kind! There's no time to instruct. Just react.
It's not like I'm running around, working in the house like a maniac either. I'm an avoider and escaper. I took a nap yesterday. But here I am, again, overwhelmed this morning at the thought of all I have to do today.
THE KIDS ARE MY PRIORITY. Raising and training this family to love and serve is my number one job. Our school is definitely going to be super helpful in this. And working there is how they get to go there. And bootcamp pays most of our rent. There's no cutting back.
All I'm saying is that now I see what the struggle will be this year. And I will appreciate (and mourn the loss of) what I was this summer--a stay-at-home-mom. (no homeschool or daytime work)
Now to find out how to do this well. And pray for mercy.