Fall 2013-dark leaves

Friday, June 25, 2010

The Trouble with Un-Busyness

This morning was full of quick realizations, spanning about 20min before I got busy again:

I define myself so much by what I do all day, as in take care of my kids.
When the older 3 were at VBS, I didn't know what to do with just Lillian.
I cried--boohoo'd--at the idea that one day after they're gone I'll have "free time" again.
Who will I be? What value will I have?
I am so used to running 100mph with my hair on fire that I'm going to have a hard time handling a slower pace.
Do I really think I'll slow down or just fill it with busyness?
Jesus spent a HUGE CHUNK of his time alone with God.
I should slow down now.
How can I slow down? There's too much to do?
I do too much.
...mental list of all my hats...
...mental list of other's hats...
I have a much bigger hat rack.
Resentment and bitterness crack into my consciousness. WHAT???
But I don't struggle with that! ...well... I'm not supposed to struggle with that!
I'm not going to struggle well with that.
New fear. Which ironically is somewhat calming. (remember I worry when I don't have anything to worry about?)
Pull into the Magic House and have a blast giving Lillian all the 1:1 attention she can handle.

A tangent:

What do I do when you have the answers for a person's problems but I have to suffer and watch them figure it out for themselves?
I need an MAC.
Maybe I can be a real-life counselor once all the kids leave.
Why don't I listen to the answers I already know for myself?

Another tangent:

My friend's roommate's 25yo sister went for a bike ride last Saturday morning and had a heat stroke. She died Monday morning.
She was a newly-wed, married last Nov.
Her parents are not believers, although by God's grace she was.
I can't imagine losing my 25yo sister w/in 3 days.
I can't imagine losing a child. And I'm a believer.
I can't even imagine them leaving the house for good.

Back to top. Repeat.

I think I need to get back into counseling. My head is going to explode.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Homeschool Curriculum

There are way too many options and it's completely overwhelming.

That's all I have to say about that.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


OK, this mama has hit a wall. I expected it to come sooner than it has, but as of today I am simply wiped out. Sleepy and bone tired. The kids asked to go to the pool this afternoon, but I feel sure one of them would drown because I can't keep my eyes open. So we put on a movie after VBS today, and in about 13 minutes, at 2pm, I'm putting the little ones down for naps. And I'm going to crawl into bed.

This summer has gotten off to a great start. I am thankful for all the fun things we've been invited and able to do! Tennis and soccer camps, swimteam, swimming for fun at our community pool, playing with friends at their community pool or at the zoo, Shakespeare in the park (Hamlet this year), helping new sem students move in, VBS, swapping babysitting/date nights with friends, and the list goes on. Then there's the bootcamp, which is M, W, F, 5:30-6:30am, and all the advertising and prep time that goes into that. So I'm going to take a nap.

I will say though that this busyness feels more like regular busyness (compared to overwhelming, disfunctional busyness). Like Birmingham busyness used to feel, except that the Lord and I talk about things more now. My heart aches for those who I know don't have a relationship with him. I thirst for His Word differently. I ask for his help in the big and little things. The Spirit brings to mind my friends and their struggles, and I pray differently than ever for you. And for me.

I'm not as afraid to pray for Him to change me as I used to be. I mean, hey, we've already come this far. What am I scared of--that He'll send us to Africa? Well, that certainly would have a different set struggles, but He's there too. Just like I'm learning how He meets me in my struggles here in St. Louis. Just like he meets you in yours, wherever you are.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


I wish I had more insightful things to share. We have hit the ground running this summer, so I haven't had much time for processing. Not to mention that my counselor graduated, and I'm honestly not sure I want to start over with another one. Or pay out of pocket to keep talking to her. I do miss our Monday morning meetings though.

Last week Sarah Frances did a tennis camp, and Catherine was in a soccer one. It was their first times in their respective sports, and both girls loved it. Brian was also still on break. Lemme tell you, this homeschool mom could get used to sending kids off for half a day. Brian would drive them to camp, study for a while, then come home and hang with us. I took the little ones on a walk one morning. One afternoon before soccer was over, B stayed with the little ones and SF and I went to the pool, just us. P and I made an ocean with blue water and vegetable oil, and one day he went to the circus for his birthday with just his daddy. Yes, that left me with just ONE child at home! I was a day ahead in my meal prep. The house could stay straight(er) and I could keep up w/ laundry better since there were less people here. We hosted people for dinner twice that week. It was such a WONDERFUL break from "real life."

And now that it's back to normal--everyone home most of the time but Brian back in Greek--I've rested well enough to not be overwhelmed too much. And normal won't last long. Really it was just this week. There is something going on/to do within every single week of the rest of the summer! I'm doing my best to enjoy being in the moment and not worry about what's next.

But right at this very moment, a very nakie little 2yo is trying to crawl on my lap at 9:51pm, having taken off her jammies and diaper and now needs help. She's such a mess!

More later...

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Little Women and a Little Man

This evening was like something out of a story book. Nothing special happened except the entire night.

I cooked dinner. A healthy dinner. Everyone liked it.

As a family, we were all doing our own thing at different times today and we all came back together and sat at the table (by Patrick and Sarah Frances's separate requests; vs. in front of the tv) to eat and share stories from our day. At some point everyone had a turn to talk and something unique to share. And everyone listened (for the most part) to everyone else.

After dinner, the kids finished up their baths. Brian sat down in the recliner with To Kill A Mockingbird. I went through some more of Sarah Frances's piano book with her, and Catherine showed us the newest skills she learned today at soccer camp. While Sarah Frances practiced her music a while, Catherine snuggled up on the couch with Patrick, Lillian, and a stack of board books. I moved from the piano to the book-and-child covered couch a little later.

At one point Brian looked up from his book and said to me, "I feel like I'm living in Little Women (has he ever really read that??) where they're playing music and reading together throughout the evening." It really was that sweet. No one was arguing or complaining. Even getting them into bed has been super easy--I reminded them of the 3 B's, bathroom, books, and bed, and it was really that simple to get them down.

Thank you, Lord, for a glimpse of real peace and harmony. Please bless us with nights like this more often. Make us fight for a simpler, slower life where we can enjoy each other and the gifts you've given us.