Fall 2013-dark leaves

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Here is Enough

Many of our friends are getting jobs and preparing to move on from St. Louis and seminary.  We still don't know where God is taking us.

It struck me this past weekend that if I were planning and preparing for whatever is next--looking at where to live, the schools in the area, what's fun to do there, how far it is from friends and family, not to mention cleaning out and packing the house--I'd be focused on the future.  I'd be so busy that I'd miss things here.

It would be nice to miss some things here in the present.  It's a big job to parent these kids, helping learning to relate well to each other--SF and C, SF and P, SF and L, C and P, C and L, P and L, me and SF, me and C, me and P, me and L, me and B, B and SF, B and C, B and P, B and L.  That's FIFTEEN relationships just in our immediate family.

But I'm seeing the blessing in not moving forward yet.  It's been a long four years of seminary, surviving monthly or weekly, often daily or momently.  Survival posture doesn't leave much room for living intentionally; it's mostly reactive.  Right now I'm thankful for some space to live intentionally, specifically focusing on parenting better.

I'm practicing resting in the not-knowing.  Not fighting so hard in my mind to figure it all out, scrapping for a plan and playing what-ifs all the time.  The here and now certainly has enough to keep my mind occupied.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Lord, help me.

Please help me to live well with, yet above, my people and my circumstances.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Life Update

The girls are playing softball on the same team with girls all from their school.  Weekly practices; (mostly) weekend games.

Patrick is playing with some classmates on a team based out of a community league.  Weekend practices; week-night games.

Brian is currently working on a translation paper that's due tomorrow.  He passed up chance of a lifetime (for him) for *Cardinals home opener/Stan Musial Day* tickets with good friends in order to finish it on time.  That was a character-building experience, and I'm so proud of him.  He could have asked for an extension, or just turned it in late, but he never considered it.  I did.  He's a better man.

Our school's Fun Run Fundraiser that I'm in charge of is on Friday.  It can't get here soon enough.  I'm beginning to drop important balls that I've been juggling.  Time to wrap up this particular gig so I can make space in my brain for other things.

Lillian turned FIVE last month--or did I already say that sometime on here?  It's crazy how she's changed into a big girl in the last few months.  She's a funny, funny, funny person.

Patrick has changed too.  He's coming up on SEVEN in just a couple of months.  I'm sorry, but the boy is ripped.  His body is so filled out, muscle-wise.  I asked Brian if he had a chest, abs, and arms like that when he was that age, and he quickly said, "Not even close!"

Of course, at the end of the summer, Sarah Frances will be ELEVEN!  She and Patrick will both compete this summer as the oldest in their age group on the swim team.  It's going to be a great summer, swimteam-wise.

...assuming we'll still be in STL the entire summer.  Nothing is moving in a particular direction regarding a ministry call for Brian, but we've been encouraged by people remembering us, Senior Pastors recommending us for particular openings, other students making sure we see particular job postings.  I can say with full confidence that whoever gets Brian Brown is getting a huge secret.  A friend said well that he (and her husband) are the kind of guys who it's good to have around initially, but after a little bit they are indispensable.  My prayer at this point is to be somewhere for when school starts.

I haven't mentioned Catherine... This NINE year old (all caps for continuity) lives for others.  Seriously.  Total self-disregard, but will bend over backwards to care for someone in need.  She's excelling in school--first in her class in math.  It's amazing the things she "sees" in math.  It all fits together easily for her.

And, I don't think I've mentioned yet, that I did end up getting a tattoo this winter.  It says "rest" in Greek, like the rest for your soul in Matthew 11.  Look it up--good stuff.  I forget I have it, then see it.  And it seriously helps my anxiety/fears/worry.  I seriously love having it.  Oh, it's on the inside of my left foot in black ink.  And very pretty.  Seriously.:)

Alright, I'm off to start a load of towels before I completely crash.  Or not.  But if I put them on now, I can dry them in the morning.  But if I start that, I'll keep working till too late.  Oh, decisions, decisions!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Blown Away

I heard tonight that my friend from seminary, truly the first person I met on the campus playground after we moved here, has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Erica had on Chacos and runners clothes, and I p.r.o.m.i.s.e. I knew she was a therapist before I even talked to her.  Turns out she IS a physical therapist, which she just finished her doctorate in, btw.  Turns out the Lord took us to her and Dan's church to join for our time here.  Turns out they were one of the only families to invite all 6 of us over to dinner in their tiny campus apartment, where they introduced us to Birds and Bees coffee from Kaldi's.  Turns out her oldest son was in Patrick's class that year, a friendship that had Patrick and Brian calling Alex and Dan to go to a Cards game for his birthday when we ended up with 2 extra tickets.  Turns out they kept reaching outward, willing to invest in new people, even though it was their fourth and last year, a trick many (of us?) have trouble with.

I am blown away with sadness.

And I got an email tonight about another May grad likely getting a job.  And I'm not trusting right now.  My take-over-control-freakiness is fighting, pushing against my skin from the inside like some alien trying to escape the shell of my body.

I MUST trust and rest.

And finish this glass of wine before I go to bed.