Fall 2013-dark leaves

Friday, June 25, 2010

The Trouble with Un-Busyness

This morning was full of quick realizations, spanning about 20min before I got busy again:

I define myself so much by what I do all day, as in take care of my kids.
When the older 3 were at VBS, I didn't know what to do with just Lillian.
I cried--boohoo'd--at the idea that one day after they're gone I'll have "free time" again.
Who will I be? What value will I have?
I am so used to running 100mph with my hair on fire that I'm going to have a hard time handling a slower pace.
Do I really think I'll slow down or just fill it with busyness?
Jesus spent a HUGE CHUNK of his time alone with God.
I should slow down now.
How can I slow down? There's too much to do?
I do too much.
...mental list of all my hats...
...mental list of other's hats...
I have a much bigger hat rack.
Resentment and bitterness crack into my consciousness. WHAT???
But I don't struggle with that! ...well... I'm not supposed to struggle with that!
I'm not going to struggle well with that.
New fear. Which ironically is somewhat calming. (remember I worry when I don't have anything to worry about?)
Pull into the Magic House and have a blast giving Lillian all the 1:1 attention she can handle.

A tangent:

What do I do when you have the answers for a person's problems but I have to suffer and watch them figure it out for themselves?
I need an MAC.
Maybe I can be a real-life counselor once all the kids leave.
Why don't I listen to the answers I already know for myself?

Another tangent:

My friend's roommate's 25yo sister went for a bike ride last Saturday morning and had a heat stroke. She died Monday morning.
She was a newly-wed, married last Nov.
Her parents are not believers, although by God's grace she was.
I can't imagine losing my 25yo sister w/in 3 days.
I can't imagine losing a child. And I'm a believer.
I can't even imagine them leaving the house for good.

Back to top. Repeat.

I think I need to get back into counseling. My head is going to explode.

1 comment:

  1. Oh girl...I do hear you. The future is always hard. My struggle is with waiting for the next bad thing. And that is not how God wants us to live. When you start thinking too much - go get your Bible! ;)