The Trouble with Un-Busyness

This morning was full of quick realizations, spanning about 20min before I got busy again:

I define myself so much by what I do all day, as in take care of my kids.
When the older 3 were at VBS, I didn't know what to do with just Lillian.
I cried--boohoo'd--at the idea that one day after they're gone I'll have "free time" again.
Who will I be? What value will I have?
I am so used to running 100mph with my hair on fire that I'm going to have a hard time handling a slower pace.
Do I really think I'll slow down or just fill it with busyness?
Jesus spent a HUGE CHUNK of his time alone with God.
I should slow down now.
How can I slow down? There's too much to do?
I do too much.
...mental list of all my hats...
...mental list of other's hats...
I have a much bigger hat rack.
Resentment and bitterness crack into my consciousness. WHAT???
But I don't struggle with that! ...well... I'm not supposed to struggle with that!
I'm not going to struggle well with that.
New fear. Which ironically is somewhat calming. (remember I worry when I don't have anything to worry about?)
Pull into the Magic House and have a blast giving Lillian all the 1:1 attention she can handle.

A tangent:

What do I do when you have the answers for a person's problems but I have to suffer and watch them figure it out for themselves?
I need an MAC.
Maybe I can be a real-life counselor once all the kids leave.
Why don't I listen to the answers I already know for myself?

Another tangent:

My friend's roommate's 25yo sister went for a bike ride last Saturday morning and had a heat stroke. She died Monday morning.
She was a newly-wed, married last Nov.
Her parents are not believers, although by God's grace she was.
I can't imagine losing my 25yo sister w/in 3 days.
I can't imagine losing a child. And I'm a believer.
I can't even imagine them leaving the house for good.

Back to top. Repeat.

I think I need to get back into counseling. My head is going to explode.