The other week I was on the couch, just a little depressed, and just a little irritated, feeling huffy, feeling like I was the only person who actually does anything around here like straightening up or cleaning (not true), when Brian walked across the room.
I don't remember what he was doing--his behavior at the time had nothing to do with my funk, really--he just came into my line of sight. And it struck me in these words: he is not my savior. He is not the person who is going to bring me joy. His doing or not doing something is not what will get me out of my funk. He could do all the laundry, which would make me very happy, but we will still as a family be wearing a whole load. That's not going to go away. He could sit and listen to all my stories about our day, but there's only so much of that you can take as a listener, which I completely get. He could take all the kids out for dinner and leave me home alone w/ no responsibilites, but after about 20 minutes I'd be lonely.
Bottom line: I will never find that deep, soul-satisfaction in Brian Brown. He's not made for it and is incapable of providing that for me.
I don't think I realized how much I relied on Brian for my joy. I mean, we've always been SO, SO, SO GOOD in our marriage. There is much comfort in who we are as a couple, but we have honestly lived a pretty cushy life. Hear me say we have certainly been through tough times as a couple, but we faced it as a couple. In St Louis we are facing our toughest time yet, but his situational struggles look completely different than mine. And neither of us have much left of ourselves to offer in terms of helping the other. There's some kind of balance we're both looking for in the question of, "How much do I share my struggles with him/her and burden him/her even more than s/he already is verses how much do I keep to myself and learn to live without him/her?"
The good thing is that we are asking that question out loud, trying to figure it out together when the frustrations are not so pressing. So we're still good as a couple, we're just having to work harder at maintaining that "good" status.
What an idol my marriage was (is)! But I can't continue to rely on Brian to be my joy. That only comes from Jesus. He is my perfect Husband. He does have the ear to listen to all my stories. He tells me to pour out my heart to him, and he counts every tear. He sees my every effort to do my job at home well. He is who affirms me as a wife, mother and friend. His Word(s) feed my soul with comfort and peace that passes all understanding.
I just told B the title of this post, and he said, "Whew! Good!" :)