Clearly I should just get settled in the unsettledness of life. It seems we Browns are not granted much settledness apart from simply resting in the unknown and the always-coming changes.
I struggle with cynicism, but this is not that. This is a fight for rest--even if it's not a deep rooted settling in. For joy--which looks like smiling at my kids instead of barking in my fears and frustration that really have nothing to do with the frustrations they're actually causing me in the moment. For not waiting for a job to do purposeful ministry--investing in relationships even if we're here only a while longer.
It changes lots of things. Letting go of what everyone else calls "normal" and accepting that this right now is what God has called us to right now. That only we have to (completely?) understand it. Dropping my defenses that look like fists ready to pop whoever (unintentionally?) makes me feel...needy. wrong. weak. incompetent. unproductive.
It's looking ONLY to the Lord to provide for all of our different kinds of needs, however he desires to bring them to us. It's finding gratitude for all he has provided and saying that it's enough.
It's letting go of rigid planning. It's living with open hands and doors and schedules. It's making the most of what's available when it's available. It's not living with blinders on (where IS that light at the end of this tunnel?), but leaning into relationships.
Epiphany--I don't really want to stay the same anyway. I'm working out my salvation, asking God daily to change me to be more like his perfect son, Jesus. How can anything settle in too far if I'm going to keep changing anyway, Lord willing for the better? Especially because he uses my people and circumstances to bring me to repentance and humble reliance on him!
How's that for verbal processing "on paper?" Suh-weet! Rebecca, rejoice in the ever-changing, plan-less, budget-less life we've been called to right now! It's good to see changes!
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