No Going Back

Today they will have the memorial service for Dave Hudson, our dear friend and elder at Faith Pres in Birmingham, who died very suddenly early Monday morning.  I have no good words for how I feel other than heavy. 

I can not process what this means for the congregation at FPC to lose Bill White and Dave Hudson in 2 weeks time and have 2 other long-time, well-loved members on hospice for cancer.  What it means to Judy and Claire to lose their husbands, and the children/grandchildren their fathers/grandfathers, so quickly and unexpectedly.  For Mathern and Connie, who are in a holding pattern, waiting to meet their Savior any day? week? now. 

What I do know is that today I also mourn that we are not there to share intimately in their grief, to participate in all the emotions and hugging and loving and planning and serving and praising! that a congregation does when it loses one of its own.  Believe me, we are crying and praising! here too, but it's different from a distance.  And that is breaking my heart today too.

I've seen when people move away and long to return to the place and the way things were.  In their minds, the people they left are exactly the same, and so are they.  Well, I've known for a long time that I'm different than I was when we lived in Bham, but I've felt like I could walk right back into the congregation and not really miss a beat when we visit.

I don't think this is really possible anymore.  There have been too many babies birthed, life lived, and gentle and tragic losses.  There are so many Family events we know about, but so many struggles and joys we're completely unaware of.  I know it's not anything that anyone on either end of this relationship has intended or desired to happen.  Time and distance are the enemy here, and they make me feel like an outsider today.  I'm sure this has been happening gently over the last 2 years, but today this realization has hit me full force.

There is no one here for me to hug or love or plan with or serve related to this huge event.  There's nothing I can do to "help" or "participate."  Nothing.

But it's not, not, not about me.  I am sad today for many reasons, but especially and mostly for my friends who bury their husband and father today.  So, so sad.  Know the Browns love you all, and our prayers are with you especially today.