Holes in tights are not the real problem

Next year they're enforcing the dress code more strictly, in particular the girls can wear only navy leggins or tights under skirts or jumpers.  This morning one of the girls put on (unbeknownst to me) a pair of new-to-us navy leggins under her skirt (why play in a denim miniskirt?) then promptly fell off her bike and ripped a hole in the knee.

I'm fighting for joy this morning.  I am so frustrated at all the goings on around here that I can't keep up with, that they don't pick up when they're done.  And at the personality of a child who does spend 10 entire minutes sweeping in the kitchen without complaining (amazing, really), but her focus was down both sides of the fridge instead of around the edges under the cabinets.  But I can't correct or direct her because the grumpy drama will start.  If I hadn't been in the kitchen, I'd swear she didn't do any of it.  At dirty clothes on the bathroom floors (mine too!).  At unmade beds and unbrushed teeth.  Yes, mine too.  I mean, it's 10am.  What HAVE I been doing?

Panic is ensuing, even this moment.  I have to let go of my control issues.  I know I haven't trained the kids well, but please tell me when in the world I'm supposed to have done that over the last 3 years?  So here we are.  I feel like it's beyond repair, but I know it's not.  They're not even being bad this morning.  They're actually trying to help when I ask.

Maybe that's what's making me panic.  They're doing a good job this morning playing together and straightening when I ask, and I'm still upset.  Frustrated.  Scared that life is always going to frustrate me.  That I'm always going to be cleaning and straightening and paying bills and cooking and doing laundry when I am actually home and will miss enjoying them.

So I shoo them off to get the work done.  They play and I work, which frustrates me.  Or I require them to help, which frustrates me.  Or I let it go and just play, which frustrates me when we come back into reality.

I hate plans and programs for chores.  I have no follow-through skills.  I am one of those moms I thought I'd never be, which makes me the most frustrated.  And most sad.  Because my heart is the real problem I have, it's just playing out today in my frustration with the house.

Stupid heart issues.

Encouraged

God is always faithful and always good.  This week Ginny Bourland, a dear family friend of ours, had great news this week regarding her cancer.  We have been praying for her, and the kids especially have been asking others to pray for her, for months and months.  

Here's the link to her Caring Bridge page.  What relief we feel.  What hope.  What joy!  

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation!  

Oh, my soul praise him for he is thy health and salvation! 

All ye who hear, now to his temple draw near.  

Join me in glad adoration! 

New Job, Etc.

So please keep praying for boot camp.  My teaching job, nanny job, and researcher job are not happening this summer.  We'll need it to pick up the slack because costs don't decrease just cause it's summer, you know.

However, we are so excited about our new jobs starting this fall.  I'm keeping the Aide job at the school and picking up the PE job (have I mentioned that already?).  And just today Brian was offered Director of After Care at our church's school. The researcher gigs will continue throughout next year, as will Brian's yard work jobs.  We are so thankful!

The best part about the After Care job for B is that for the first time since moving here--and likely the last time ever--he will have a hard and fast end to his work day.  The job is over at 5:30, and he'll come home for dinner.  Neither student-life nor minister-life (so I'm told) typically work that way, so I am very thankful for some "normalcy" this coming next school year.  His day will end at the same time every day and he will then come home to us.  Woo-freakin'-hoo!

Brian finished up his semester last week.  This is the final week of school for me and the kids.  Our landlord scheduled the pool's opening for this Wed or Thursday.  Our house guests leave this week too.  We love school and our guests, but let me say clearly--BRING ON SUMMERTIME!  We are ready!

Read Between the Lines

This day is one for the record books:

Teach boot camp.
Work the 3yo class, put in an extra hour.
JK Mother's Day Tea, carpool pickup.
Home to throw together an appetizer and find tights without holes, (loosely) supervise 8yo making cake to take to...
4yo's ballet recital and reception.
faculty and staff drinks and apps party.
home to prep for 2-week house guests (kind of.  prep, that is).

And each event above has a whole set of stories to go with it.  Wish I'd write it all out, but I'll have to read between the lines later when I'm looking back at this.

And why am I still up?

Tears and Fears

I need a good cry. It seems, however, that whenever I have time to cry, I'm not emotional. When I'm emotional, it's not a safe time to let go. Nothing is really wrong except for everything. Everything and everyone are broken. Broken cisterns. Cracked all the way-top to bottom. Cancer sucks. Infertility sucks. Selfishness sucks. Fear sucks. All of it. Absolutely stinks. Oh how I long for the new heavens and new earth. Come, Lord Jesus!

Already May already?

I didn't blog in April? Ever? Not even once? Crazy. But now its May. We're in countdown mode for school. For our school and for seminary. That's 16.5 days of school left this year, and one year and two weeks till graduation from seminary. Woo-hoo! On both counts. Patrick is playing baseball. He's by far the cutest guy out there. Pics to follow soon. The girls are taking piano. One more voluntarily than the other at this point. And Patrick still likes to sit and play for his own pleasure. Last week they finished knitting club for the year. Lillian's ballet recital is next week. Pics to come. Many of our dearest friends are graduating this year. I'm working through my abandonment issues still. It's a sad, sad thing in many ways. But we'll see them again, if not here then there. But Mary Martha is staying in town and continuing to live with us for the next year. Biggest woo-hoo ever to that! I got the PE job at our school for next year, so I'll work MWF mornings as an aide and TuTh afternoons as the PE teacher. I'll get to know all the kids in the whole school. Fun, fun, fun. I mean, who doesn't love PE, right? We're working on plans for summer trips. Looks like we'll be in TX and AL both sometime. And Brian's going on a short term mission trip to London with our local church. We're expecting a load of houseguests too. Awesome. For-real awesome. Brian and I took a trip last week with 12 Pastors and their wives for three days and two nights. The focus was our marriages. We were working the trip, which wore me out more than I expected, but dont think it was all work. We hiked, swam, read, slept, didn't sleep... And learned to listen and hear each other in a new way. THAT we demonstrated for all the couples to see how it's done. OH, MY! But it was soooooooo good to get away. Field day is coming. Field trips to the butterfly house and art museum. Poetry day. The mother's day tea. Baccalaureate. Graduation. Families visiting. Makes my heart race. I so love it all. Pool's opening soon. Let me know when you want to come join the fun!