Next year they're enforcing the dress code more strictly, in particular the girls can wear only navy leggins or tights under skirts or jumpers. This morning one of the girls put on (unbeknownst to me) a pair of new-to-us navy leggins under her skirt (why play in a denim miniskirt?) then promptly fell off her bike and ripped a hole in the knee.
I'm fighting for joy this morning. I am so frustrated at all the goings on around here that I can't keep up with, that they don't pick up when they're done. And at the personality of a child who does spend 10 entire minutes sweeping in the kitchen without complaining (amazing, really), but her focus was down both sides of the fridge instead of around the edges under the cabinets. But I can't correct or direct her because the grumpy drama will start. If I hadn't been in the kitchen, I'd swear she didn't do any of it. At dirty clothes on the bathroom floors (mine too!). At unmade beds and unbrushed teeth. Yes, mine too. I mean, it's 10am. What HAVE I been doing?
Panic is ensuing, even this moment. I have to let go of my control issues. I know I haven't trained the kids well, but please tell me when in the world I'm supposed to have done that over the last 3 years? So here we are. I feel like it's beyond repair, but I know it's not. They're not even being bad this morning. They're actually trying to help when I ask.
Maybe that's what's making me panic. They're doing a good job this morning playing together and straightening when I ask, and I'm still upset. Frustrated. Scared that life is always going to frustrate me. That I'm always going to be cleaning and straightening and paying bills and cooking and doing laundry when I am actually home and will miss enjoying them.
So I shoo them off to get the work done. They play and I work, which frustrates me. Or I require them to help, which frustrates me. Or I let it go and just play, which frustrates me when we come back into reality.
I hate plans and programs for chores. I have no follow-through skills. I am one of those moms I thought I'd never be, which makes me the most frustrated. And most sad. Because my heart is the real problem I have, it's just playing out today in my frustration with the house.
Stupid heart issues.