It's not uncommon knowledge, although (I hope) it might be a surprise, to know that I get angry sometimes. It's not something I'm content with, and I'm working toward learning more about emotions so that the anger monster doesn't come out in me.
**disclaimer** I have never even read a book on emotions, let alone been taught on the subject. I don't pretend to be able to speak to what anyone else is dealing with. I'm simply sharing my learning process here.
It seems that anger is the easy emotion. At least that's what my counselor said in passing. She's encouraging me to dig deeper and find and deal with other emotions so that they don't boil over in anger. I feel like I could be in a scene of the movie Anger Management. ha.
I've never put a lot of stock in "digging deeper" emotionally. I'm a do-what-you-have-to-do-to-get-it-done kind of girl. There's no room for deep emotions in day-to-day life because they get in the way of getting it all done. Emotions are messy--there're lots of tears and a sloppy runny nose. And then people think (know) something's wrong because my eyes are all red and puffy and I sound like I have a cold. Besides, this is where God has put me this very day for my good and His glory. So rejoice always, right?
But having a heart that is rejoicing does not mean it's not a feeling heart. It seems there are a wealth of unchartered emotions that flow just below the surface of my heart these days. And right now it hurts to feel them. And it's sloppy. And there are no safe moments in my life where I can get sloppy. So I push them down til they boil over into anger.
Now, it's not like I don't cry! I can hardly get through a worship service without tears flowing at the thought of what God has done for me by His grace! And I can cry over someone else's "stuff" pretty easily. But, now, my stuff...not so much.
I think the deal is that I used to think it didn't matter if I admitted I was disappointed or frustrated or fearful or unsure. Because God has me right here for a reason, period. And I'm so cerebral and such a thinker that I could reason my way through my reality, completely bypassing the emotions part of it all. But now NOT dealing with it is getting in the way of getting it all done because I'm not being the kind, patient, loving mother and wife I want to be.
So here we go. Yuck. I don't know where this will take me. And I like a plan, so this makes me really uneasy. We'll see...
ps-I can already tell I have more control over the anger monster this week, just for having dealt with some stuff a little bit. Encouraging...I think this will be worth it in the end.